The Circle
by Enn-Enn
Summary: The pain awaits her, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at her beautiful neck.(SPIKE-DAWN Post-Chosen)
1. Lies

THE CIRCLE

Author: Enn-Enn

Summary_: .....The pain awaits you, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at your beautiful neck._

Pairings: Spike/Dawn-friendship (just for now, something more later)

Rating: R ( I suppose )

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Time-line: AU Post-Chosen.

A/N: Thanks to Eurothrashed for her fantastic beta-work !!

PROLOGUE

From the beginning, it should have been this way. From the beginning, their bones should have been broken, their skin should have been lacerated, and their minds should have been marked forever with fire. They relegate this torture, not for their enemies, but for their own families; their own "children." The "children"... accept all this - voluntarily, proudly; they call it "the Ordeal."

You want to think that they are demons, or that they are vampires, but sorry, they're human. You want then, to think that they are some kind of murderous clan, or some "oh we are chosen by divinity" maniac sect. But that is not how it is. The worst terror isn't the terror of the unknown. The worst terror comes from the everyday, the familiar things; and the terrible thing about this is, that you know them.

They are the Watchers.

And you want to be a part of them, and you will be one of them. The pain awaits you, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at your beautiful neck.

You are Dawn Summers.

_Still._

CHAPTER 1 - LIES

You thought that the Scoobie gang could have been in charge of founding the New Watchers' Council...

Girl, you were so wrong.

Now you are here. In this enormous room, in an ancient castle, in the middle of the Scottish mountains (the former Council's headquarters before they moved to London, actually), you are surrounded by them - the council-members of the Watchers' Council. You see their cold eyes. Their dark suits in a dark room - the lighting purposely insufficient for such a chamber.

You try to ignore the frozen air that kisses your naked arms, your naked face. Your hair cannot cover it. Their hands as a cruel rule against vanity cut your long brown hair, three months ago, when you came here to begin your training...

You saw how they chopped it with ceremonial daggers, your shiny long brown hair sacrificed to the wind, to the almighty will of the Council.

They are the Masters now, they are _your _masters.

But the thing that feels like a sword of ice in your spine is not the wind, or the room, or even this horrible silence filled moment. The thing that really scares you, is their faces.

In their faces, you find nothing but fury and tragedy.

One of them, a woman, has horrible dagger-scars that mark her from forehead to chin; dead red lines travelling throughout her formerly beautiful face. Now, she looks like a Harbinger (people say that she killed four of them... before they finally caught her).

One of the male members, has no eyes. He doesn't use black glasses; he just sees you with the empty blackness of his face (it is said that he had an encounter with Caleb).

Another member, the leader, simply has no face. He was in the Watchers' building when it exploded.

He survived.

They all are survivors of the old Watchers' Council; the only ones. They were brave and tough people before, and they are brave and tough _now_. It is just that now, they are in charge. They don't want weak people near them; weak, young people trying to become new watchers. You suspect that they have lost most of their feelings; their humanity, in the last war against the First.

They are god-like automatons now.

They are freaking heroes now.

They hate because you have feelings. They hate your beautiful I-have-big-blue-eyes-and-I-am-so-innocent face. They hate your last name: Summers.

_Do you think because your last name is Summers, because you are the sister, we will treat you better? No, little girl, because of that, we will treat you like trash_.

Of all the faces, just one isn't disfigured. This is the face that you hate the most: Rupert Giles.

He is the great pretender. He pretends to look at you like a new student-slave, but you know that this is subterfuge. He is trying to maintain his position as the senior-member; with his _I-don't-care-about-my-almost-adopted-child-and-don't-look-at-me-with-those-pleading-eyes_ attitude.

This suits you just fine. Totally! You are sick of trying to resolve your daddy issues.

Yup, your male-figures always betray you... your Dad, Giles, even Spike... no, don't think about him now; you can't deal with that now. If you do, they will notice it, and take advantage of this as a weakness... you have plenty of time to cry for him, alone in your bed.

You miss him so much.

Oh, yes! .You miss him, protecting you, taking care of you...

You miss him... you miss him... you....

_Calm down!!_

_Get a grip on yourself, girl! Not now! This is not the time!_

You remain calm, hoping that they don't notice your inner struggles.

Suddenly the silent is broken.

Giles informs you that you are now allowed to grow your hair back; all of the members are in agreement.

One word comes into your head at this proclamation....

_Liar._

Giles is keeping something from you; all of them are keeping something from you; you can sense it. What is this all about it... what it is? Why are showing me this kindness? Is this some kind of manipulative plan, watcher-style?

Or am I just becoming: paranoid... _maybe I have finally lost it..._

You shut your mouth and incline your head saying thanks . You quickly depart from their presence, to meditate on the current proceedings back in your cell.

The only thing that is keeping you from confronting them, and asking them about their plans for you, is the fear that they would discover your hidden agenda in

the process.

You are here for your own reasons.

_And none of them have anything to do with becoming a stupid Watcher._

TBC


	2. From the beginning

THE CIRCLE

Author: Enn-Enn

Summary: The pain awaits her, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at her beautiful neck.

Pairings: Spike/Dawn-friendship (just for now, something more later)

Rating: R ( I suppose )

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Time-line: AU Post-Chosen.

A/N: #1: Thanks to Eurothrashed for her fantastic beta-work !!

#2: Thanks to Michelle R for the feedback!! :)

Please read and review !!!

CHAPTER 2 - From the beginning

Nine months later, you are in the same enormous room, in front of the same cold faces, and in the same state of anxiety.

Another meeting.

But this time you suspect what this one is about.

It is _The Ordeal._

Yes, the very old, the very cruel, the very archaic challenge to become a real Watcher.

The Ordeal in the _Blackshed_, the cave where you enter to confront yourself, your own faults, weakness and evilness...

The Council reopened it just a month ago. After so many years maintaining it to keep it closed, the former council-members had thought that it was too dangerous, too brutal...

Apparently the new members and its last guest were not of the same opinion. Giles was the last person who had visited that magickal cave. That had been before he had received the mission to find and teach Buffy. After that, no one went inside... until two weeks ago.

Poor Andrew. They made him go inside the Blackshed as the final part of his Ordeal.

When they found him unconscious, inside the cave, seven days later; he had lost 33 of his skin. He had been severely burned. In the infirmary of the Witch Coven, you were only allowed to visit him after waiting a whole week. All the while thinking that he could die because of his wounds; you found him babbling something about fear, darkness... and exact poetic justice.

It is curious... you expect him to say something like: _and then I will reborn like Darth Vader, just like Anakin did _... and then he would smile weakly about it.

But he doesn't say anything, not one geeky phrase. The same quotes that some time ago you hated so much, you are sure, you will miss...

You realize that they finally have broken him. That now, he will survive to become a cold, efficient Watcher.

You hate them for it.

You fear them for it.

You are their next victim.

And you are so sure that you discovered their intentions.

But again, you are wrong.

Totally.

They are not sending you to the cave; at least, not yet.

You are being sent to London to buy yourself a whole new wardrobe; an expensive shopping spree.

_What?_ you think

_Are they trying to protect me from The Ordeal? Are they showing me favoritism because I am the slayer little sis?_

_What is your problem? You are lucky! Maybe all of this is Giles's idea. Maybe he finally remembered his forgotten father-role!_

You try to convince yourself that these are their reasons, but you know them better than this.

This time you are right, because they tell you that you will take a trip.

To LA.

To LA, the Wolfram and Hart building to be more specific.

You will be working for them; for the Angel Team.

_Of course secretly, you will still work for us, as our insider._

You just nod. Smilingly you just accept it.

It fits perfectly with your own secret agenda, your own secret plan.

From the beginning, you just wanted access to the Watcher files. To the Watchers' knowledge. About the Key. About you. This was the reason that you started studying the ancient languages, the demonic mystical words and spells, and the gods and godesses; the forgotten legends.

Now they have procured a good position for you at W&H!

_Fantastic!_

_Great!_

Now you will be in the heart of the monster. Now you will read books that the Watchers have never seen. Books, that you are sure, contain the secret story of the Beast, about the Order of Dagon, about your origins.

Better yet, you will obtain this information for yourself. You, and you alone, will use it. After which, you can leave the job and the stupid Watchers behind....

Suddenly, you are feeling brave or crazy enough to risk a question with the almighty leader of the Watcher Council:

_How do you know that I will not just quit my job in W&H and leave you all?_

He coldly smiles and answers you:

_Oh! I am sure, you will maintain your job inside that evil law firm... I am absolutely sure._

You ask him again. How?

He just answers...

_You will see, Miss Summers. You will see..._

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That old manipulative bastard!!

He knew it! All of them knew it!!!

Goddess!

Giles knew it too!! All the time! All the freaking time!

_ You will see, Miss Summers. You will see.... _

You finally understand his words at the exact moment that you enter the W&H building...

From the beginning, they knew that you would not abandon your mission as their insider...

_ You will see, Miss Summers... _

And that was true. You just saw.

You just saw him.

In front of you.

_Spike._

TBC


	3. The Truth

THE CIRCLE

Author: Enn-Enn

Summary: _.....The pain awaits you, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at your beautiful neck._

Pairings: Spike/Dawn-friendship (just for now, something more later)

Rating: PG-13( I suppose )

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I am just a poor little guy!

Time-line: AU Post-Chosen. Dawn is working in Wolfram & Hart, but she has a secret agenda...

A/N #1: Thanks to Eurothrashed for her fantastic beta-work !!

A/N #2: Thanks to Michelle R., Claire Sterling , Darkest-secret, SamieShalla , Alianora Serein, Russ, and Goldenswimmer15 for thefeedback in my fics!!

:D

:: hugs you all ::

Please read and review ! :)

CHAPTER 3 – THE TRUTH

You discovered it that night, that they sent you, the Key, in the form of a human - in the form a sister.

_"Hmmm, I guess that's you, Nibblet." _

You.

At the end, it is all the same, the same circle.

At the end, you are sitting on the floor in a dark room side by side with him, your hip touching his. The candlelight flickers. Twilight surrounds you. You are so close, in an intimate moment, with the book in hand, and a mission to accomplish. But no, it isn't an intimate moment; it's only the same moment repeating itself.

You can feel the finality hanging over your head, hear the ticking of time, and feel the beating of your heart racing as you search through the book's forbidden pages.

The truth.

You have had this feeling before (four years ago), and you have it now.

It's in your stomach, creeping up your throat, solidifying in a knot - anticipation and fear, real nauseating, eternal fear. Is this what you heard one of the Watchers call _'existential experience'_? Is this the same thing? You don't know; but, than again, you don't really care. You just _feel_ it, and that is enough for you.

Feelings. Human feelings.

Fear and excitement? Fear and lust? What is wrong with you? Okay, you're alone with him, in a dark room, just like in the beginning of your never-ending-barely-there-born-again crush... (Crush or is it love?)

_Love? No way. No way... leave me alone, please, god or goddess or Powers or Partners or whatever is watching and laughing at me now. _

You are alone with him, like four years ago that night in the Magic Box, when you discovered...

Oh god. It's here. It's in the book - on _this_ page.

You finally found the page. Finally, all the training with the Watchers, the long the trip to LA (to find Spike again) will be worth it. You fell into his arms crying like the baby you still are. You cried because he is alive and kicking and smirking and stroking your hair while you're in his lap mumbling about the six horrible months after Sunnydale fell, after _he_ fell...

All of it will be worth it, even the boring-as-hell work you do for Wolfram and Hart...

All these things have a meaning now. In this secret room, inside the depths of this evil law-firm, inside this dusty book of prophecies, on this yellowed page, written in an ancient language that you, and maybe 3 other people (and a bleach blonde vampire) in the world know, is the paragraph that holds all your answers.

Fear. Anticipation. Terror. Anxiety.

His hand is in yours.

Calm. Peace. Faith.

His eyes on you.

Blue. Hope. Love.

You both read the paragraph together, and you both understand the meaning.

Suddenly you feel nothing.

Not hope. Not fear. Not anguish.

Not terror or faith.

Not love or even lust.

Because it must be true, because this paragraph must be true and you believe each one of its words.

You feel nothing.

_Because you don't have a soul. _

TBC


	4. Betrayal

THE CIRCLE

Author: Enn-Enn

Summary: _...The pain awaits you, and the fear bites with strange sweetness at your beautiful neck._

Pairings: Spike/Dawn-friendship (just for now, something more later)

Rating: PG-13( I suppose )

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I am just a poor little guy!

Time-line: AU Post-Chosen. Dawn is working in Wolfram Hart, but she has a secret agenda...

A/N 1: Thanks to Eurothrashed for her fantastic beta-work !

A/N 2: Thanks to Michelle R., Claire Sterling , Darkest-secret, SamieShalla , Alianora Serein, Russ, Goldenswimmer15, CJ, Veruca Shy, Badboylover and Danielle for the feedback in my fics, and to Fractured Fairytales Awards for the nomination:D

CHAPTER 4 - BETRAYAL

"_Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay."_

You betrayed me.

You betrayed me with your sexy smiles, and your so simple words; you lied to me. You told me that it wasn't that bad _to not be a good guy_ .You told me that to walk around the world without a soul was the most _bloody marvellous thing that could happen to a bloke_ .

You lied.

You said that it wasn't important where I came from or if I was real or not. You told me the sweetest lies, and I bought all of them like a little child.

I must admit that I was a child then.

You took advantage of that.

You lied to me with nice words and friendly silences. You let me believe that my demons couldn't destroy me, and that my nightmare would finally end. But it never did, no never.

You lied to me with our silent hugs with our poker-evenings and with those freaking sweet cuddling nights. I hate myself because I loved those days so much, those nights.

But all that care was just a farce, wasn't it? If you had dared to kiss me that night, to touch me, to mark me with fangs or lust, all this could have been worth the pain - the betrayal.

You made me love you, Spike; but you never made love to me.

For first time in your long sinful unlife, you wore the white hat. You willingly played the good guy, the selfless guy. Night after night, you ignored the cravings of your demon compelling you to take my blood and the desire of your body to use my flesh. You did such a good job taking care of me, Spike. You were the good older brother to me... and I can't help but hate you for that too.

It didn't matter if you kissed me or not in those grieving days, or in those forgotten summer nights. You can't corrupt a thing that already is already corrupted, can you? You can't steal my innocence if it really doesn't exist, can you?

I never had a soul, Spike; you knew that. You let me get my hopes up. You let me keep my childhood dreams of heaven and future fairytale endings.

Why?

But, really, I told you, that doesn't matter anymore; now that we both have read the book, and know the truth.

Your demon must really be hating you for that. Destiny gave you the chance to be in charge of a _tasty morsel _and you didn't do anything with it. Very scary unrepentant Big Bad that you are Spike.

Very.

We both remember what happened after that summer. But if you don't, let me give you a clue:

_Buffy_.

Yup, she came back and you disappeared.

Hello again abandonment issues! Hello again all the petty teen-angst!

But I really didn't mind that.

Really.

I swear!

(Sarcasm is good)

I didn't mind that you left town just when Willow went into her I-have-a-new-easy-way-to-dye-my-hair magick craziness. I almost died, Spike. But I told you, I didn't mind that a bit.

Well, maybe I do... just a little.

The thing that I really minded is the fact that you dared to come back.

With a soul.

A. Freaking. Soul.

Bastard.

Traitor.

What about all those cocky phrases? All those phrases about the goodness of a soulless unlife?

Please, Tell me.

I want to know.

I suspect that they all drowned in a sea of Buffy-ness.

And guilt.

Now I am alone, really alone.

You are here with me now, but eventually you will be just dust. I will be just dust. And so will Buffy. We all will be nothing but dust in the wind.

Then what?.

I'm pretty sure that I will not see heaven. I will not see Buffy. I will not see Mom.

I miss Mom, Spike.

My last hope was you, Spike. You know, the soulless-brave-so-sexy Master Vampire who loved me. That guy doesn't exist anymore. That guy can't follow me to the shadow lands; where the human-keys-without-a-soul end up, not that I think there could be more like me. Yup, I am unique, and therefore, alone.

All this is definite. I cannot avoid my fate this time. It has been written in pompous strange letters from the beginning. This is a thing that you hardly can defeat.

Maybe I shouldn't rest in your arms while thinking all this thoughts against you, Spike. Maybe I shouldn't enjoy these minutes of calm and peace cuddled against your chest (or shouldn't hope that just this one time you could kiss me without any remorse). But I do. I am enjoying it. I suspect that this will not help my case very much.

I don't care. I still feel this thing for you, you know? I simply can't help it.

I can't help the thoughts of a plan to resolve my soul-problem, either.

Don't worry... it is just an idea that I have. It will be worse for me than for you. But it is the only way that we can take to resolve the mess that you have created with your re-souling adventures. Of course my strategies are not always brilliant... but Spike, let me tell you. Your plans? Yeah, well they totally suck.

Why are you looking at me that way?

Oh! You already have noticed that shining in my eyes, haven't you? You don't need to frown, Spike! It is a good plan! I swear!

It's such a good idea that it fits in a single word.

_Africa. _

TBC


End file.
